Lifetime/Hallmark Christmas Movies to Women: Don't Be Yourself

November 19, 2019 by A

Hereforth is life and love according to Lifetime and Hallmark Christmas movies.

This is the first year I’ve gotten into [been bored enough to start watching] Hallmark Christmas movies. I get to see a lot of One Tree Hill alum, which makes me happy, but there's a stink in the room.

Amidst the common themes of the lonely and widowed finding love, another recurring theme beats viewers over the head. All a woman needs to do to be loved is to not be herself --- whether this means giving up her career, her home, or, in some cases, her entire identity.

Somehow in the Hallmarkverse, falling in love is both effortless and completely implausible.

Here are some movies playing today:

Twin sisters (DJ Tanner) switch places until Christmas Day. This is perhaps the most egregious. You can look exactly like yourself with 100% identical genes --- you’d just be happier if you weren’t so... you.

An ambitious, Type-A (and very successful) woman gets amnesia and forgets her old personality, thus becoming lovable.

A woman pretends to be engaged to appease her family, and of course, falls in love. There might actually be some science behind this one:

A princess runs away from her royal family to have Christmas amongst the riff-raff and, POOF, falls in love. Takeaway: Royalty can only find happiness hanging out with the same garbage people who make your life boring and miserable

A famous country singer gets stranded in Nowheresville where the only person who knows she’s famous is the town’s only hot guy. And he celebrates her entire collection. Obviously, they fall in love.

A TV personality crashes her car and gets amnesia, falls in love. She gets taken in by a “hot” veterinarian dad [who apparently knows shit about first aid because he didn’t take her to the hospital after discovering her completely disoriented, wandering along a busy road at night] and then, POOF, falls in love.

Since I started writing this piece years ago (yes I forget I'm doing things for years at a time), I've seen a fair few more, and the themes always repeat. The wildly successful woman has to give up her career to find love. The city gal gives up the "big life" to find love. Stop being you and love will be sitting right there. Jerk off motion.

No matter what Grown Up DJ Tanner, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Lacey Chabert are paid to do in movies, chronically single women everywhere know the truth: you can’t excel professionally in an urban area and get to fall in love with the simple, hometown guy when you’re good and ready. He got married to a boring girl he started dating in high school... and he's probably cheating on her.